By Ojore McKinnon. Published in Issue 14 of Paper Chained in June 2024.
“The unexamined life Is not worth living.” – Socrates
We are all born to die; however, have you come to the conclusion you’re on Earth to die? Over my two decades on death row I have overheard it declared, or spoken to me as a matter-of-fact: “I’m here to die!”
One afternoon out on the yard, a brother proudly and confidently stated to me: “I’m here to die. I’m not going to be here beyond ten years.” I had said that one should use their time wisely while awaiting the appointment of Counsel. But he was professing he would go out on his own terms, he would force the gunman to kill him if his case was unresolved after ten years. This was the first time someone professed such a notion to me. I pulled out my bullshit repellent, responding, “You don’t want to die, believe me, these goons will be happy to oblige you. If you really want to die, start climbing the fence. Surely the goon in the tower will execute you.” He peered at me as though I was crazy. Then asked, “Why would I do that?” I replied, “You have come to the conclusion that your sole purpose on death row is to die; and that is why you have done nothing to cultivate your being. Therefore, why wait ten years?” Of course, my rationale was too real for him to continue the conversation.
On another occasion a former neighbour, who was agitated by the dialogue and antics around us, stated, “Do you hear all these complaints? What do they expect, we’re on death row, we’re here to die.” His expressed frustration was in response to a Legionnaires outbreak within San Quentin, that rendered the water undrinkable. “No, not we... you,” I responded from my cell. I engaged him in a debate that challenged his rationale, ‘We’re here to die,’ as though simply being on the row justified the treatment we were enduring. He doubled-down, pointing out the purpose of death row is to await death. My unwillingness to go along with this notion caused him to state out of frustration, “I’m here to die!”
While in separate showers, a week or two later, he began complaining about the lack of water pressure coming from the shower-head that had been broken for months. This created an opening for me to lampoon his complaints and reiterate my point from weeks earlier. “What are you complaining about, Mister ‘I’m here to die...’” I stated from the other shower. “So what if you die funky... matter-of-fact, why are you wasting water? From today on I’ll grab your trays, you don’t need to eat, just lay over there and die. Of course, he did not find my satire funny. However, after a few days of pondering that encounter, he did see my point.
In a third case, a man was professing his “I don’t give a fuck” rendition about life and others. He claimed he did not care to better himself; nor did he care about his homies, because he was on the row for killing them. His only concern in life was for his daughter. Yet, he proudly proclaimed he was here to die. Literally hours later, I heard him call to one of his homies for something to eat. Which I found funny. All that talk about “fuck life, his homies,” and being “here to die” was lost in the silence of the unit, once his belly desired nourishment.
In many of these cases the declaration: “I’m here to die,” comes from the uneducated mind and undisciplined mouth of individuals who have failed to examine their life. They have conformed to prison, embraced ignorance, and are trapped behind the mask of ego, villainy and bravado. That is a profile in unnerved callousness, and a theatrical show of being unmoved by the threat of death imposed on their life.
By no means do I encourage this behaviour or wish to see these individuals do something to bring about their premature death. Instead, I propose they think different. There is too much to live for and I know like they know, ‘Dying is easy, living is hard.’
Of the three young men I spoke of, only my former neighbour has come to the realisation there is much to live for. He has put in the hard work to think and act different. He has embraced the hard work of living and self-reflection so many prisoners find hard to entertain. I now count him amongst those who are life-affirming. The other two have remained stunted and have rejected self-reflection. They are the proverbial leaf in the wind, while dwelling in the darkness and chaos of death row.
I, like everyone else on the row, and prison for that matter, have been confronted with the decision to sink or swim.
After my wrongful conviction and being found guilty of special circumstances, I did not lose my resolve to live. Rather, I became more life-affirming. At no point after arriving on death row did I ever come to accept the fact this was my final destination. Even during those times I found myself fuelled by anger and frustration, or burdened by the maladies and monotony of prison, I never contemplate dying. My will to live and be free of this injustice remains resilient as I stumble through the darkness. During my days of solitary isolation, I fought through the burden of feeling abandoned. And, eventually I exhausted my anger, disappointment and negative thoughts that once consumed me, to see the light that illuminated my unexamined life.
Personally, due to my examination, my life is continuing to blossom and flourish.
My message to you all: Love life.
Learn more about Ojore's story by following the account created to support him on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/justiceforojore/
