By Jefferey Shockley. Published in Issue 9 of Paper Chained in March 2023.
Hello Friends,
Have you ever had one of those days where you aspired to live life, but nonetheless hurt as if dying on the inside? Finding oneself standing in a crowded room and yet consumed by a deep loneliness? Agonizing about how you got to where you are; unsure of who you are supposed to be in the midst of the hell raised around you.
The past 23 years of my life sentence can be intimated as one of those days. A wild emotional roller coaster ride wherein I strive to climb upwards and out of the O’ Poor Me’s for such a reality caused by my own undoing.
Then to ride higher above past addictions, shackles that had me bound, now catching glimpses of a hope-filled future. A second chance that hangs ever so close. However, still just a tad out of reach. Hearing that familiar rickety chain sound as the wooden coaster climbs upwards, again. Causing wonder as to what’s next.
Funny that I am but a small cog in the wheel of life, floundering within the confines of a penal institution to be the best one can be under the circumstances, irrespective of my past. I am merely one of countless others inside who mostly through our own initiative are working to rebuild akin to society outside working to recover.
Dare my complaints above the devastating events having occurred over the past few years: COVID-19; Omicron, supply-chain issues, and unending concerns around inflation. Hurricane Ian which has impacted so many. People continuously adjusting, collectively and individually.
The current political climate and endless scenes of violence is not helping to establish balance, some semblance of normalicy, either. As the case may be, somewhere another is wondering what is there to be thankful for when you have to work doubly hard for the same end?
There are times in the midst of a storm when it can be quite difficult to see the ability to stand, to make it through. The question remains, though, how does one make sense of it all?
Here in prison, there is a system designed to be corrective, rehabilitative even. Notwithstanding, there are certainly degrees of chaos not unlike having too many cooks in the kitchen or too many chiefs. Not everyone every day on either side of the “Us versus Them” line gets along inside. Living in tight spaces and confined quarters affirms in time over time there will be difficulties.
I have learned through this experience, by the pains inflicted and tragedy imposed, that if I look only at myself, the world will skip on by and opportunities that are often few and far between here, will be missed. Chances to be a better individual today for an unknown future is no excuse to remain the same.
If you take your vehicle to the mechanic to have a problem fixed; an adjustment is made, but when that vehicle is returned nothing has been corrected. The initial condition remains unchanged. Nothing has been improved. Do you blame the vehicle or the mechanic?
People are sent to prison to serve time for an alleged offense committed against the moral and social decency of humanity, in order to be corrected. Rehabilitated. In fact from personal experience, when someone enters the prison system, they are first sent to a classification facility. State Correctional Institution (SCI) Camp Hill.
Wherein the individual is evaluated by the Psychology Department, Medical Department, and other particularly imposing factions, like a first day at military Boot Camp or visit to the strict grandmother’s house. The answer to any question is “No!” and “Don’t touch nothing!”
Through these evaluations, it is determined what is or will be required of you regarding programing to be rehabilitated, corrected, and essentially sufficiently able to return to society as a changed individual. This is called your “Prescriptive Plan”, which entails the programs strongly advised for the inmate to take.
If the individual has not completed high school or otherwise acquired their General Education Diploma (GED) prior to the incarceration, they would be mandated as a mandatory student. Also, barred from certain skilled labor jobs but able to work part-time at other employment opportunities.
However, there is compensation when in class, and they receive a $10 incentive upon successful passing of the GED test and thereby acquiring attributes that can be a help in the individuals future in or out of prison. Taking into consideration the charges the individual has been incarcerated under, certain programs are mandatory. These include Violence Prevention, Drug & Alcohol, Sex Offenders Group.
For those studious enough, there are several vocational classes available that are voluntary, having a 25 cent hourly rate; pennies above a regular job which starts at 19c an hour. Some additional skills can be acquired through working in the Maintenance Department or the Dietary Department, i.e. the kitchen.
The design, as one can imagine, is to get the incarcerated men and women to change old behaviors, deter from a criminal mindset. The authorities also encourage one to stay out of trouble. That is remain misconduct free, as well as other conduct and attitude changes that are pretty basic but no less importunate in order for the chance of going home through parole or being granted the elusive commutation. Before the conclusion or max date of time given by the administering court. Be that as it may, the “Prescriptive Plan”, though tailored by the assessments of for the individual’s institutional life, past history, criminal or otherwise, and the goals the particular institution strives for is also impressed upon the persons serving life sentences.
So what happens when one has complied for decades, literally, with this system and yet one is and perhaps shall remain in perpetuity, not only in the eyes of the general public, but also the very collective authority charged with correction and rehabilitation, as a bad person. The worst of the worst. Contradictory to any and all of the personal efforts made during the term of confinement regarding institutional record, work history, and the many accolades pouring in from peers and staff members.
These men and women who have literally contributed to society while residing within the place(s) we have been sent to die in. Organizing groups inside that address among other issues and concerns, trauma. The generational impact it has had on ourselves, our families and much of our impoverished communities represented by toe tags and bodies in prison.
Men and women who have grown emotionally and psychologically. Learning of ourselves and why what was done was done in effect to not repeat such impositions against ourselves and fellow human beings.
In political commercials, people in prison are portrayed as monsters, collectively. No acknowledgment of the many positive changes an individual has made over the course of time inside. Or participation in fund raisers that donate funds to local community agencies, which is essential because of the very people within these horrid confines.
Perchance the better question would be that with such perceptions being touted politically or general consensus otherwise about the individuals housed within these institutions, what does it say about the system itself when you lock a person away to be corrected, rehabilitated ostensibly bearing no fruit?
Do you blame the vehicle or the mechanic?
The individual got me here, the individual has made the decision to be better today. Not solely because of some prescribed plan or program. Rather on account as I reach out to help another not have one of those days, perhaps my day will be brighter as I look beyond myself. Moreover, there can be a freedom within not had before by way of addition, abuse, street mentality. Having worn so many masks, a true identity had been lost.
We are human beings and things often hurt; anyone can have one of those days. It is essential and life-giving to make it past yesterday, deal with today so that tomorrow, that is not promised, is still hopeful through the emotional roller coaster life can and often does take us on. In or out of prison.
As we are awakened each morning, there must be one that believes we can make it through the day. Perhaps we should believe it also.
It’s just one of those days.
By Jeffery A. Shockley - ES4796 SMART COMMUNICATIONS/PADOC SCI-FAYETTE Po Box 33028 St Petersburg, Florida 33733, USA
